10th February 2002
I have explained that a month after my mother’s death, I received communication from her. My mother was a well-known woman, a lecturer and professor of History, very much involved in education.
I cannot share with you all the lessons I am learning about my life, for they are too deep and complex. I see episodes in my life as a pattern, or motif that repeats. When I am doing my life reviews, they are not taken at random from periods of my life, but selected by the theme.
I have always joked that I am not a miserable sinner – (My mother refused to accept the Christian teaching that we are “miserable sinners”) but I have found myself deficient – would you call that the same thing?
A theme that I have been following in my life has been that of justification. Justification is one way of dancing alone. I have come to the understanding that the personality is the tool we use to process life. Our personalities are affected by the time of birth and by our genetic make-up and by the situation we are born into. These conditions give us the implements and traits with which we can deal with our experiences. One of the implements I had in my personality was the tool of justification. When you think of it, choosing to be an historian makes use of that tool well. In fact all of the sciences, university education, teaching are forms of justification.
(I looked up the word Justification in the Thesaurus – Justification – good reason, reason, explanation, validation, rationalisation, excuse. Justify, give good reason for, give explanation for, validate, rationalise, excuse, defend, substantiate.)
I want to tell you about my friends. Well, I call them my friends – after life reviews come people with whom I have had dealings in the past. There are some surprising visits. I have sat and stroked old Kitty. (my mother’s faithful kitty-cat) I have been chatting with Eileen, Bertha, and Win – this is because of my life review – and some of these people I realise were friends due to circumstance rather than love.
Circumstantial people are there to teach you. People you love are there to support you.
I have to become humble. I am no longer a teacher. I am the student.
I have to learn how to release myself from justification. When I do this, I am told, my world will open up. In the here and now, no one wants to learn from me. I have to learn from them. My lessons will be on creation. This has already started.
I have to learn to create my own world…..
From the Place of Angels