Anyone lucky enough to have been allowed to go through a spiritual emergency without getting into the clutches of the psychiatric services will have a much better chance of making it meaningful to themselves which is the only thing that is important, and become whole again. There are new ideas circulating in the UK suggesting that such an experience can lead to a positive outcome called ‘a fully integrated personality’. This is, of course, just another term for someone with spiritual wisdom.
I had a Spiritual Crises. The voice I had heard for about 18 months, helped me through it. I called my voice “my angel”, or Sheel. Other people would say I was hearing voices (only ever one though) and then I had a psychotic experience. But my voice guided me in a wholly logical way, teaching me about light and healing and how to achieve tranquillity.
My crisis was triggered by giving my little dog away to a child whose own dog had been killed by a car. Sheel told me to do so. This action was the final event in stripping myself of all I ‘owned’ which had been going on for months. I had to give everything away according to Sheel.
During my experience I had expanded perception experiences on and off on several different occasions through a period of months, but far from making me happy, I became utterly miserable, dejected and frightened because I knew I was teetering on the edge of insanity. Physically I became very thin and gaunt, I had no appetite. In the final week of my insanity I gave some more of my things away, cancelled my insurance policies, cut my hair, wore no make-up, no jewellery and carried nothing with me in the form of a handbag or purse.
My spiritual emergency progressed quickly. I went into and out of expanded awareness and feelings of omniscience. Sometimes I reduced to the smallest particle a minute grain of matter. Our small business went on, but all the responsibility fell to my husband because I had become a non-functioning human, and because I was so terrified of what was happening in my own brain, he took me with him wherever he went to make deliveries and attend to customers. I simply sat in the car.
By the end of the final week my husband must have been a very worried man. I had no suspicion that any kind of spiritual experience might be happening to me. On the evening of the 9th September, I became very ill.
I began to feel uncomfortable with a terrible pain at the bottom of my spine. I could not get rid of it no matter what I did. I tossed and turned in the bed and I became so fearful that I woke my husband who was already worried sick himself about how I had lost weight and how sick I had been. There was not much he could do, as I was the one experiencing the pain.
My angel Sheel was very present at the beginning assuring me that everything was going to be all right and that I should drink a lot of water and rest.
The pain shifted from my lower back to the small of my back. It was so sore it winded me. I tried to diagnose my pain. Was it kidneys or lungs? I also felt increasingly emotionally unstable. Waves of fear and euphoria came in tides. By midnight I knew I was in a dying condition for the pain had reached my neck and lower skull. I was gripped with terror.
I wondered if I had a sort of galloping meningerial infection that was in my spinal column. Some grim, dark force seemed to have seized me. I was being possessed by a satanic thing. The idea of possession by dark forces fixed itself in my mind.
My mind became flooded with memories that I knew to be mine but the rational part of me knew they were not. They seemed to be experiences about me and my existence. The same expanded awareness Id had before replaced the euphoria and at moments I was Omniscient everything and at other moments I was a small black imploding thing.
Sheel kept me drinking water and assuring me it was going to be all right but I knew HER all right! To her, even death is all right.
In the small hours I began a fight for my life, a battle with the evil thing that was consuming me perhaps my insanity. The pain was now in my head and was so excruciating I simply lay, weak, sweating and terrified on my bed and let it be. I knew I was giving up my life. But the creature that was trying to possess me wanted my commitment to it in exchange for life – I would live if I loved only it. It was an evil thing, repulsive, formless, dark and disgusting.
I would not give it my honour. But I was also powerless in myself to escape. I called upon God to help me. I made a vow that I would never serve a master as evil as the darkness that was now overwhelming me and that I would only work for the power of light, of love, of goodness.
I told God in my desperate hour that I would rather give up my life than serve the powers of darkness. I was now ready to die. He could take me. I gave Him my life.
But as soon as I became willing to give away my last possession my own life, ego and soul, the top of my head seemed literally to blow off and as soon as it did all the pain left me and I was exploding outwards, outwards, through many dimensions of such exquisite glory that they cannot be explained in words. I heard, I knew, I saw, I felt, I experienced, I delighted, I became. I cannot tell you how long I lay in this state. I was truly omniscient, and in a state of entire bliss, unaware of my self, but in a stream of love, knowledge, exquisiteness and grandeur that has no words in the English language (or any language) that can describe it.
When I came to myself I was completely weak and physically unable to do anything. I was not entirely sure if the galloping meningerial infection that had cured itself leaving me totally weak and shaky, was a ghastly battle between the forces of good and evil that had raged in me or the kundilini the serpent coiled at the base of the spine, that had burst open my head in some huge spiritual experience.
I know I was a transformed creature, still omniscient, yet sane, joyful, adventurous and delighted to have the privilege of a life but knowing that from now on even my life was not my own as I had also given it away! After this I plunged into a period which I call my spiritual desert where there was no blade of delight or flower of fun. One would call this my clinical depression phase.
I see now, that this experience was the result of months of preparation from Sheel although I had had no inkling of what the outcome would be. It happened in my complete ignorance.
It is the turning point in my life that has infused me with absolute confidence in the idea of ‘Conciousness’, a creative impulse, the divinity of all things, understanding of the bliss state, the interconnectedness of all things, our survival through death, the many mansions of heaven and hell, invisible realms and co-universes, streams of energy which flow around us constantly of which we are unaware, and spiritual understanding.
I also feel compassion for the human condition, my own too, so full of arrogance, ignorance, self-righteousness and fear, and admiration for the many who have developed wonderful spirituality without the help of a voice called Sheel or galloping meningitis!
An urgent task is for psychologists and psychiatrists to recognise this type of spiritual psychosis for what it is and treat it the correct way so that they don’t destroy the lives of so many people now confined to psychiatric wards, bludgeoned by drugs, who COULD have been well!